The Anatomy of my heart and mind

Kumusta everyone! Just to warn you: This entry will be a highly sensitive one. If I haven't already mentioned it yet, writing is my form of therapy (aside from sleeping, of course!) and I want to use this blog as my medium of expression as I am not that comfortable in sharing my burdens with my close friends. If I could keep it to myself, then I would. 

There is a lot going on in my mind right now that I can't even find the right words to say. Where should I even start with this entry? Maybe I'll start off by saying this: I am not genuinely okay. I am not okay with my current phase in life, I am not okay keeping up with people that just ruin my inner peace, and I am most definitely not okay with living this kind of life. These pent-up emotions are slowly killing me inside. The pressure, confusion, disappointment, resentment, everything just keeps on piling as days go by. It feels like I'm dead, well, figuratively. It feels like, I got used to these emotions so much, that everything in me is crying except my eyes. 

I am just sick and tired of this life.

As I was doom scrolling earlier, I read someone asked: "What makes you want to keep living?" And I paused a bit and thought about it. With everything that I have gone and been going through, why am I still choosing to live this kind of life (even if I mentioned a million times that I am sick of it)? And I answered: "I made this as my mantra: "This too shall pass." And I can still see myself travelling someday."

I would really love to travel someday. Singapore, South Korea, Japan, Europe, USA... I want to see more. I want to experience more. I want to feel more. I think that's one thing that I am looking forward to.
 It gives me a flicker of hope that one day, everything will turn out fine and I'll get to see the day that I am able to do anything I want, buy anything I want, meet new people that will genuinely cherish and care about me, and travel to any places I desire. 

I read somewhere that it is okay to leave a place when you can't find peace there anymore. And I will do that. I will leave. This is a strong urge of mine that I will fulfill as soon as I can. I want to cut some people off my life and I really don't see anything wrong with that. I don't even care about them anymore. Of course, I'll still keep strong connections with the people genuinely dear to me like my friend, Mari of North Pole. She has been my constant since day one and my confidant. These past few days have been more bearable because of her. We even had a movie date on discord! (Go watch the movie Lolo and a Kid! Mari cried at the ending. Haha!) I hope we'll be able to do it more in the future. 

Maybe I'll just tweak this a little bit: "I am not genuinely okay... yet." 

Because I will be okay.

Maybe not today, but someday.

And I will go to wherever my heart desires.

And you will too.




Hanggang sa muli,
King Guinny


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