Don’t read this if you only want good vibes!
Kumusta everyone.
Wow.
It’s been a long time since I wrote an entry here. It’s been almost what? A year? Time flies so fast. My first entries were about how I studied for the chemical engineering licensure exam and today, I am proud to say that I passed it and I am now a chemical engineer, working also. Who would’ve thought, right? I did that??
Well, just this afternoon, I decided to keep doing this. To keep adding more entries. Have I told you that writing is my form of therapy? So here I am again. Badly want a therapy XD. How are you? I hope you’re all fine wherever you are right now. Me? Well, life’s been… I don’t know how to call it, draining(?) lately.
I feel so down today. Both my body and mind are exhausted, I just want to disintegrate into nothingness. I didn’t know what to feel earlier. The moment I woke up, I prayed to God that this day would be okay, also the coming of days and weeks. I prayed that everything will be fine.
But I don’t know anymore. It’s the last day of May and I’m feeling the blues. Is something up? Oh wait, it’s literally exactly 12AM as I’m writing this so that means it’s the first day of June. Yeah, just wanna document that.
It’s 12AM and I’m on the verge of crying. Hays. I have to wake up early tomorrow for work but just thinking about it makes me drained, makes me feel like crying. I don’t want to show up to anyone anymore at this point. Will crying make me feel better? I don’t know but the tears are flowing right now, I can’t help it, I’m sorry XD.
Well, I could reach out to someone if I need to but I don’t want to. I don’t want to burden them because they already have a lot on their plate. Besides, I really don’t know how to explain what I feel in a way that they can understand me deeply. I doubt anyone will even bother, anyway.
I don’t know what I need right now to ease up this feeling. All I know is that I’m not okay.
I’m sorry that this is the entry that I chose to share to you guys. Maybe I just want you to see that this is the reality of life. It’s a roller coaster. Some days, you’ll feel motivated, some days, you’ll feel tired, some days, you’ll be over the moon because of what you have achieved, but even with that, some days can also make you feel like you hit the rock bottom again. This day, I felt exhausted (physically, emotionally, and mentally), anxious, sad, crying, alone. And that’s normal because after all, I am human.
And you know what? Even if I don’t feel like showing up, I will. I will go to work tomorrow because the world won’t stop spinning (and I need to pay the bills! XD). And I think that’s courage.
Hmm. I also want to share some realizations this May.
I realized that I don’t have to prove to all people that I am a good person. No, really. Especially to those people that really don’t contribute anything to my life. Why would I need to prove myself to them? Are they God or something? They are not important to me so why?
“May gawin ka man o wala, may masasabi at masasabi pa rin ang tao tungkol sa’yo.”
Well, damned if I do. Damned if I don’t.
Kaya saan ako lulugar?
Besides, not everyone is a good person. There are just people who are good at hiding who they really are and seeing or painting other people badly gives them the satisfaction they need. They feel good about themselves. “Oh, I’m not like that. Why would they do that? Lol, I’ll never be that kind of person. Buti pa ako.”
What matters is that I KNOW I have been a good person, especially to people that matter to me, that appreciate me.
And those people who tend to judge others? They’re just some background noise. Wala silang ambag. Earmuffs.
Earmuffs.
Don’t worry, guys. We got this. Everything will be fine.
Hanggang sa muli,
King Guinny